Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday