Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife: