Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.