Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.