Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running