How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Life is a suicide mission.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.