I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
You Might Also Like
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.