Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Oh thanks BBC.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext