[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
The Joker was right
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.