Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
This story is comedy gold 😂
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils