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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
i wish we could shoplift online
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
The honesty is refreshing
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?