I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.