I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
You Might Also Like
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Just so funny
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.