So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
no refunds
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Just why bro?!
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.