During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My Guy
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you