Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?