It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You Might Also Like
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.