“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
You Might Also Like
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.