Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I put the mess in domestic.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.