My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
this is funnier than any friends episode
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying