[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.