Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice