sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
You Might Also Like
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*