You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done