Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
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The smoothest fall of all time
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
let’s discuss
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
How did we not see this back then?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun