‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I only treason on days ending in y
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?