My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours