I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*