Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
just left a huge legacy in there
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.