me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.