Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Comparing yourself to others
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!