I have a type: disappointing
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
reduce, reuse, recycle
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Note to self: I am a note
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
OH. COME. ON.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH