Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants