I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road