Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Going into Monday like
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine