i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Livid.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?