[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Body by cheese-puffs.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid