PLOT TWIST:
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
never deleting this app.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.