“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button