Dance like you’re not the father
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁