Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.