Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave