The Punning Dead.
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
me after eating Cheetos
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.