I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot