I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.