Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here