Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[eats all your cotton candy]
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE