Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Reporter: *ports again*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
What if all the cashiers are married?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever