Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Autocorrect completely socks
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.