mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.